I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
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