Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
