I faked an abortion last night.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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