worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
