life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
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