Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
