You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
