Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
