Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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