I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize