Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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