We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
