Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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