I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
We were destined to go to rehab together
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
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