There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
She swung at the pinata with crutches
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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