Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
