theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
