I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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