I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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