my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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