i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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