So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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