I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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