You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Randomize
