you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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