Bisexual people are plain selfish.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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