Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Randomize
