I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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