i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
