We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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