roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
