just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Randomize
