i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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