I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
