The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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