Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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