I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
