some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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