I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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