I wish my penis had an off switch
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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