So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
