Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
