When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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