Little spoons don't ask big questions
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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