What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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