I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I can't turn off my feet"
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
