Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
