I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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