Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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