You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
