well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
