The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
