Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
