I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
