And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
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all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
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I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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