Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
