I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
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I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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